Dealing with Divorce By: Dr. Molly Mitchell National Edition October 12, 2000 Now we have discussed some of the many possible feelings you may have in dealing with a divorce in you family. Lets get down to making a plan for how to deal with the ongoing situations that may arise now that your parents have split up. I will begin by saying that all of these plans will best involve having honest conversations with either or both of your parents. Not always easy, and maybe not really your responsibility to initiate, but you may have to. So, read on, but be prepared to talk openly and honestly with adults. One of the common complaints that teenagers have in divorce situations is that they feel caught in the middle. They don't know whom to be loyal to, or how to remain loyal to both parents. Parents may be asking them to choose between them, or spy on the other person. They may be using you as a sounding board, letting you in on all the arguments that are occurring. What do we do about this? Talk to them. Set the boundaries and tell them you don't want to know. If it has nothing to do with you, tell them not to talk to you about it. You are allowed to love them both equally. Remind them of this. Another frequent situation is being completely shut out of what is going on. Situations are not explained. You don't know what kind of visiting or living arrangements are being planned. There have been no explanations for why this has happened or what will happen next. Again, talk to them. Maybe in this case you need to tread softly and go in prepared with a list of questions. Think about what you need to know. It is very likely that they have gotten caught up in their own problems and it didn't occur to them that you would have concerns of your own. (Parents are renowned for not thinking their children are quite as clued in as they actually are.) It is likely that they have not done this intentionally and will open up if approached cautiously and slowly. You should not have to take care of your parents, but remember that this is hard on everyone. Maybe one parent has abandoned the family completely. This is an extremely difficult situation for everyone involved. You may be scared for that person, or angry and sad. The remaining parent is likely to have all the same reactions, which is going to make it difficult for him/her to be a great parent for a while. Talk to them. Let your parent know your worries and concerns. Don't get sucked into taking care of them and tell them when they need to go talk to someone else. You are the child, no matter how mature you may be. Teenagers get caught in all sorts of situations when their parents are divorcing. You really are not alone here. If there are particular questions or situations, feel free to e-mail me with them. Or ask a friend to help you make a plan. Making lists of questions is never a bad idea. It will help you remember everything you want to know, and will give the message to your parents that you are to be taken seriously. And, in the end, do not forget to be a kid. Life will go on, maybe much changed, but there are still good times to be had. So, get out there and have them.