Feelings About Divorce
By: Dr. Molly Mitchell National Edition

October 12, 2000

Separation and divorce have become commonplace in today's society. By now, we all know someone whose parents are divorced. This does not make an personal experience with divorce any easier to go through. I think it's easy to assume that just because lots of people live with their parent's splitting up, it's somehow simpler to adjust to, but this just isn't true.

You might be experiencing any number of feelings as the child of divorcing parents. You might be relieved, even happy to see it happen. Divorce does serve a purpose, and it is OK to feel glad that finally the tension, sadness, or anger that you have all been living with is going to end.

You may be very sad or angry. For as many divorces as there are, there are an equal number of reasons why people separate. Maybe one parent or the other has done something unforgivable. You may feel abandoned or hurt by either or both parents.

Your parents may try to place you in the middle of their arguments, which can be an extremely uncomfortable spot to inhabit. They may tell you details and secrets that you wish you hadn't heard. They may try to get you to choose favorites.

You may be worried. Your parents may not have taken the time to reassure you about the future, or explain exactly what is going to happen next. They may not know themselves. You may be trying to figure out where you are going to live, how you will all survive, or where the money will come from.

There is also the possibility that you had absolutely no idea this was happening and are in shock to find that your parents are no longer in love with each other. There many have been no obvious fighting. You may get no clear explanation for the seemingly sudden change in family arrangement.

The basic point here is that whatever feelings you have, they are completely valid. Don't let people tell you that you should feel or think in any particular way. You are entitled to feel exactly the way you feel. Even if how you feel is confused, or changes every day.

It is important to talk about these feelings. Ideally, you should be able to talk to your parents about all your concerns and worries. Realistically, this may not always be possible, at least not right now. Find a friend to talk to or spend more time with your siblings, since they will know exactly what is going on at home. Look up support groups or resources in your area. Most cities will have a hotline for the children of divorced parents.

Don't be afraid to ask questions. You do deserve to have some clarity, even if the answers aren't always clear. This will also let your parents know that you are interested and concerned. The time of a divorce is never easy so think about giving everyone a bit of space, but don't blame yourself and don't hide your feelings forever.