Shyness
By: Dr. Molly Mitchell National Edition

July 11, 2000

Maybe the habit you want to change is less specific than some of the others we have discussed so far. How about being shy? Feeling shy in certain, or all, social situations is a habit we can work on. Summer is a good time of year to practice your new skills. Come September, you will be ready to take the school year by storm.

Adolescence can be a very awkward time. There are all kinds of changes, and they all seem to happen at once. Your body is changing physically by the minute and your emotions are different. It's likely that school and friends have also undergone a transformation of some kind. It can make you feel like you can't even trust yourself, and you clam up around other people. There are new social rules all of a sudden, and no one gave you the book. This can all be very disconcerting.

Shyness is all about fear. Usually that fear is of being humiliated in some way. Most people are shy in some situations. Some people aren't good in crowds, others aren't comfortable talking to adults, and still others are uncomfortable in every scenario. The fear is that you will open your mouth andpeople will laugh, ignore you, not understand youand so on.

Often shy people have a skewed picture of the world. You have decided certain reactions will happen. You are sure that you will be ignored or ridiculed and you haven't even said a word. And so, you say nothing. You act as if these reactions are guaranteed and don't give yourself, or anyone else a chance. We all do this is many ways; decide outcomes before trying in the first place. My point here is that expectations can become reality, so why not raise those expectations.

Sometimes you just have to stick your neck out. Say something. To anyone. And then deal with what happens. Chances are it won't be as bad as you think. We usually come up with absolute worst-case scenarios when we dread something. The reality is usually not all that awful.

Try just listening, this is much less scary, and there are far too few good listeners in this world. Don't obsess over what you are going to say next, just keep listening, ask an occasional question, and you're in! Most people love to talk about themselves. Once you hear something that you may have in commonwell, the conversation has begun.

Another point to keep in mind, since I am fully aware that not everyone will fall victim to your many charms. There are rude people in this world. People who will ignore, poke fun, or just walk away. Remember that, they are the rude ones. You have done nothing stupid, no one deserves to be laughed at, and if it happens to you, don't let it get you down.

A word to those of you out there that are blessed with the gift of the gab, keep an eye out for a shy peer. One move on your part could make all the difference. Shyness can often come across as cold, snobby or disinterested. It may in fact be terror. Give people a chance.

So, here is the shy-busting plan:

1. Take a deep breath, keep your chin up, and smile.

2. Think positive, you are a unique and interesting person. What's not to like?

3. Approach somebody and ask a question.

4. Listenthere, the conversation has begun.